Et tu, stressed too?

Every once in a while, we get this flash of clarity that helps us articulate to ourselves our understanding of a subject. I had one such epiphany the other day when I was stuck in bad traffic, getting late for a meeting.

Being stuck in traffic, especially when I am getting late for a commitment, is a big stressor for me, and for a large number of people I am sure. Fortunately, for the last decade or so we carry around with us a de-stressor that can solve part of the problem. With the proliferation of mobile phones, we can now contact pretty much anyone anywhere anytime. It is relatively easy to call up the person we have made a commitment to and explain that we will be a few minutes late. The mobile phone does not however soothe the bruised ego. For those of us who take pride in honouring our commitments, showing up on time being just one manifestation, the very thought that we had to provide an excuse for not being able to be there on time is cause for much teeth gnashing. Stuck in traffic, we have a lot of time to gnash our teeth and resort to blaming the system. (It must be some idiot with a red beacon on his car that is the cause of my grief. OR Why can't they repair the damned roads at night? OR Why the heck do they allow these crazy wedding processions on public roads at rush hour? You get the picture.)

After I had reduced my rising blood pressure somewhat by calling to inform them of the delay, I tried the usual stuff - breathing deeply and trying to think about why I was still stressed now that I was off the hook.

Here's what I realized. We get stressed when three things come together.

1. Something is happening that we would rather not have happen.
Here are some of my favourites - Being stuck in traffic, someone not paying us on time, kids not coming home in time for dinner, someone delivering a bad product or sloppy service, sitting at the airport waiting for a delayed flight to depart, kids not honouring their commitment.

2. We are helpless.
It is when we cannot do anything to remedy a problem situation that we start to lose our cool.
If things go wrong in a way that allows us to act and fix them, we don't usually get stressed. If anything, such situations can be strong motivators. We swing into action, solve the problem and pat ourselves on the back - "Job well done. I knew I could count on me. That's what I get paid for - to solve problems."

3. We are either unwilling or unable to accept that we are helpless.
Ever been in a situation where you are at peace when things go wrong? It is usually when you have surrendered to reality. That surrender can be very liberating. However surrender goes against the grain of the way we have been brought up. We have been trained to give our best, to come out at the other end - bruised but not beaten, to fight. It is this fight that causes us to run the red light and get into a fight with the other drivers and the road rage. ("How dare he cut into my lane. I wish I was driving a tank right now.")

So there it is then. The simplest way to busting stress is to break any one of this triad.

The easiest to break is perhaps number 3. Every time I am stressed, I do a quick mental check on whether I am unwilling or unable to realize or accept my helplessness in that situation. Just the awareness that there might be a possibility that the current battle cannot be fought can be a huge stress buster.

More difficult, I suspect, is trying to change the external world so that we are not helpless anymore. But then, sometimes, just that iota of incremental effort might change the situation.

If you have managed to break number 1 - then you are qualified guru material. Nirvana cannot be far now.